In so many respects, life can be enormously complicated, so full of challenges and competing priorities. It can be easy to feel overwhelmed and to lose sight of the fundamental things that can instantaneously allow us to reconnect with that which is most important to us. At the same time, messages that in essence demand, “Don’t worry, be happy!” can feel trite. Life is difficult, and for many less fortunate than I, I recognise that it can at times be hard even put one foot in front of the other to take the next step.
So, how to balance the need to recognise and accept that sometimes just getting to the next day is enough, with the understanding that really very simple things truly can transform our experience in a positive way?
For me however, there is no contradiction. Rather, there’s a confirmation of the human condition and of the fact that, while life can and will be challenging, however many layers overlay them, our fundamental needs are few and uncomplicated.
In the run-up to leaving West Heath School after 19 years, I was fortunate to receive messages from colleagues, past and current, as well as from students, some of whom I worked with many years ago. As the recipient of the kind words of others, I can honestly say that they were great to receive. I’m honest enough to say that the validation of my efforts that I took from the mix of conversations, cards and letters, has been really important to me. While I don’t need a constant flow of praise from others to know I’ve done a good job, to hear from people in a very direct and personal way that you have made a distinct and positive contribution to their lives is enormously affirming. So, in answer to the question I posed at the start of this article, I’d say it’s great to receive.
The act of giving
Simultaneously, I was also aware of how much was gained in the act of giving. One letter I received from an ex-student spoke of how for so long she had wanted to share her thoughts, but that it was only now, when she heard I was leaving, that she was able to actually commit to getting in touch. In turn, I was able to share with her that for 9 years I’d carried a note in my wallet that she’d written me following an incident in school. The note was written in the form of an exclusion letter, issued to me for, and I quote;
- Having no sympathy for students
- Being grumpy
- Being rude and argumentative
- “You must not be in school for the next 4 days or the police will be called!”
I’ve kept the note because it has been a valuable reminder to not take myself so seriously, and it was lovely to be able to let this young woman know how helpful the gift of her note had been to me. The same was true in respect of a second note I’d kept, this time for over 11 years. Held together now with Sellotape, it was a thank you from a student for support I and a colleague had given her. It was also a plea that when times were tough, I should remember that what I and other staff did, mattered. When this student phoned in to school to speak with me just two days before I left, she said she’d had no idea of the impact her note had had and she could scarcely believe I’d kept it so long. For me then, the pleasure in that moment of giving, letting one human being know how powerful their thoughts and their words had been.
So, if receiving’s good, so too is giving. For my part, I intend to be greedy. I want to be brave enough to connect with those I want to thank or to share something positive with. I also intend to be open to receiving the kindness of others, with the minimum of pride and vanity I can muster, able to accept myself as worthy of it.
It’s up to you of course, but if there’s someone you’d like to thank, to share a kind word with, or to perhaps reconnect with, why not just do it? While there’s no guarantee of how they will respond, the chances are they’ll be grateful, grateful that they’ve been noticed and acknowledged, and grateful for that positive human to human contact that is so profoundly important to each of us.
David
